Even if you have suffered chronic pain and it's under control it is emotionally difficult living with someone who is currently experiencing it.
If you haven't already read the blog on chronic pain please do so by clicking HERE.
The person that is experience the chronic pain is heard. You listen, their Doctors listen, their friends listen.....but who hears you? Who talks to you about it? That is what this discussion is going to be about...YOU and how to live with someone who is in chronic pain.
When a person is on the receiving end of comments from someone experience chronic pain the words that are spoken hit differently.
For my example I am going to use Mary as the wife and her husband Joe as the person in chronic pain.
Mary asks Joe if he knows where something is. Joe tells her to look in the drawer. Mary does and it's not there so she tells her husband it's not there where else could it be.
This is a normal occasion and if you are married you probably cannot count how many times this situation has come up. The difference is a person with chronic pain will respond differently. So the response is "I don't know what you did with it you are always moving things and not putting them back" can be funny in some households but those same words from a person with chronic pain have a different "tone" to them. If you have ever lived with chronic pain or lived someone who has chronic pain you know that tone.The reason I am talking about this is for those who live with chronic pain sufferers have to realize it is the PAIN talking not the person.
I can tell you I have worn both of those shoes. I have been the person in chronic pain and I could hear the tone in my voice at times. I know that I didn't like how my tone sounded but the pain I was in or being so tired of the pain I just didn't care how I sounded. Other times I had no idea how bad the tone in my voice was for just simple responses.
I have lived with someone who was in chronic pain and it was like deja vu only I was hearing the tone that I used to use.
Here is my point: If your loved one suffers from chronic pain it takes understanding to live with them. It takes thick skin. It takes love. It takes walking away and realizing that it is the pain and it is NOT PERSONAL. I promise you if they could not react the way they do they wouldn't. I promise you if they understood what was going on and how much it hurts you when they "talk" the way the do, they would stop. Take it from a chronic pain sufferer; we don't like how we act at times. We are so tired of the pain, tired of the constant, tired of being tired and remember the saying, "we only hurt the ones we love." It is NO EXCUSE, I don't want you to think that I am saying to just deal with it. I'm saying don't take it personal and try to understand why. Talk to your loved ones' Doctor and get help there. If one treatment isn't working try another. Often times their Doctor doesn't know everything. When chronic pain sufferers are talking to their Doctor it is clinical and about the pain. If you talk to their Doctor they will see the whole picture and be able to help your loved one, and you, better.
With the right treatment it can and will change. Don't give up keep trying. There is never a one fix for everyone.
I would not feel right if I did not say this: If you are EVER in physical danger GET OUT! Chronic pain is no excuse for violence. This discussion is for those who are living with "tones" in voices...NOT physical violence. Your first priority is YOU because if you are not safe and healthy you can never help someone who is in chronic pain.
I wish you the best of luck and please if you need a someone to talk to about this, one who has been on both sides, send me a comment. I will be here to listen but PLEASE talk to your loved ones Doctor.
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